5 – Christians Inferno
That was the last fucking straw.
So I woke up that morning, combed my hair, dosed myself and started texting Gloria. It was a pretty goddamn normal day for me. Hell, I even started up the latest free MORPG and started chatting with some of my friends on there.
Very normal for me. By 2 PM I’d gone through 20 cigarettes and five cups of coffee and I was jittery as hell. Again, normal. It was fucking fantastic. Gloria’d just texted me and asked if I wanted to see a movie with me, maybe have dinner, and I’d just completed a fucking long raid when my mom knocked on my door.
“What?” I asked. It was really, really weird for Mom to bother me. Ever.
“It’s your turn to check the mail, Christian.”
Oh. I must’ve forgotten, I thought sarcastically.
“I’ll be right there.”
I sent a quick brb to my buddies on the game and got up, brushing off my pants to get any stray ashes off of them. Sighing, I opened the door and blinked at the sudden light out in the hall. Well, it the light was only gonna get brighter once I got outside, so I pushed on.
I’ve come to find that Tuesdays have the thickest stack of mail. After the Monday rush, before the Wednesday slump, y’know? But there were always the most letters (between ad shit, bills, and actual letters) on Tuesdays.
“Alright, mom,” I said, throwing them down on the kitchen table.
Then one caught my eye. It was addressed to me and it came from one of the colleges I applied to. My heart skipped a beat (or two. or three) and I had the fleeting thought that maybe I actually made it into a decent college. So I stole off to my room with it and I turned on the light. With fumbling fingers, I opened the envelope and pulled out the folded letter inside.
I unfolded it and…
…promptly ripped it up and threw the pieces away.
I was rejected from a semidecent college. Great start to a day, right?
I logged off the game after apologizing to my buddies and started my IM program, hoping to vent a little to Gloria or one of my older friends.
Before I even got the chance to do that, however, some kid I barely knew opened a chat window with me. His name was Nate, and I remembered him as being one of the more… religious kids from my classes. We were paired up for a project in History, once. He asked me if I had been saved or something, right after I introduced myself. And after a nice little conversation, we got to work, ignoring each other. Though I noticed him giving me these looks of… pity or something all through the lesson.
Anyway, he started IMing me. I figured we’d switched a few contacts as part of the project.
Nate!: Hey Christian
CMinority112: hi naet.
Nate!: Hey, do you remember what I was talking to you about during our project?
CMinority112: not realy, wasnt it bout caligula or soemthing?
Nate!: No, not like that. Did you take any of it to heart? Have you seen the light?
CMinority112: what the fuck?
Nate!: Have you even tried to talk to the Lord yet?
CMinority112: listen nate, i realy dont care bout that. im sory.
Nate!: Christian, you haven’t known true happiness until you connect with the Lord.
CMinority112: listen nate im realy not interested.
Nate!: Please listen to me, Christian, you have so much potential.
Nate!: But you just haven’t tapped into it yet.
Nate!: Please understand, Christian, I want to save your soul.
CMinority112: sory nate i dont want you to.
CMinority112: i dont like people trying to save my soul if i dont want them to.
Nate!: I’ll pray for you, then, and pray that you’ll see the light soon…
CMinority112: how bour you dont pray for me nate? i dont want you to. pleas dont.
CMinority112: im not interested nate please.
Nate!: I just want you to see… you seem to be on the wrong path, Christian, and I want to fix that.
CMinority112: im on a perfctly fine path. so how bout you jut fuck off.
Nate!: No need for such harsh language Christian.
CMinority112: no i think there is. im fuckin sick of peopl tryin to get me to do shit for them on my behalf.
CMinority112: but let me tell you nate i know its all bullshit and lies
CMinority112: its not fair for me to jsut take this anymre so just go fuck yourself nate.
Nate!: Christian, this is only for you, don’t you see? Jesus died for our sins so we could have eternal happiness after death.
CMinority112: alll fucking lies nate dont you hear how you sound?
CMinority112: you sound like a fucking iddiot.
Nate!: Christian, please.
CMinority112: like i said go fuck yourself nate.
And I blocked him.
I was sick of them and all their religious bullshit. I hated how they would shove it down my throat. The faith fanatics there went far beyond extreme — they followed their precious Bible to the exact word.
And for some reason, my name being Christian meant that I was probably a good little God-fearing boy who was raised in a loving Christian home. Fuck that shit, it couldn’t have been farther from the truth. My family had been neither loving nor the paragon of a Christian family.
I didn’t think neglecting your youngest son once he was old enough to care for himself is anywhere in the Bible. I mean, even hypocrites have standards, right?
And so, inspired by that and all the rage in general I’d felt that day, I figured out my plan of action.
It was going to be dangerous and crazy, but I didn’t give a fuck. I was alright with those stipulations. As long as I could make my amends with life in case I died.
And I only had one thing to do for that. So I grabbed a piece of paper and began writing what was possibly my suicide note.